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A Miscarriage

20 Nov

I am only writing about my story because I know I am not alone. So many friends and family have reached out, and shared their story with me.

Here’s my story: I had been really sick with two ear infections, vertigo, nausea and a cold. I was throwing up and bleeding for a month. I knew something was wrong. I found out I was pregnant.  I had no insurance and my husband was out of work. This could not have come at a worse time. I was upset and in shock. This was not planned and so unexpected. I have two girls and I love kids. We want a whole house full but the timing was so off. I called my OB and they did some blood work. Everything appeared to be fine except my progestin levels were slightly lower then they would like. I started meds and I was scheduled for an ultra sound. I got the horrible news on Tuesday, November 9th that not only was I only measuring 6 weeks along when I should be 10 but there was no heart beat. I was beyond devastated. This means my body has been holding my little one and making me think all was okay. I was as sick as a dog yet my little one had already passed on. How cruel and to make matters worse I found I was pregnant yet my baby was already gone. This is something I don’t understand. I don’t understand how any of this could happen. I was full of guilt for being upset  yet I knew I did nothing wrong. I do not smoke, drink and I eat fairly healthy.

I have so many questions. I cried all day after my surgery and I went into a depression. I have gone through all the grieving emotions. These emotions are all too familiar as I have been through them before when my dad passed away. I have my good days and I have my bad. I am trying to keep super busy and get back into my routine.

God is  getting me through this and slowly healing my heart. I do have a support system. I have two beautiful girls, my hubby who has been amazing and grieving right along with me. Family members who are there for me to cry, get angry and pray with. Friends who are more like family then some of our own family. Bringing us groceries, sitting with me while I have to sign a death certificate and make arrangements on what to do with my little one. This was such a huge blow to us but I know I am not alone. I don’t understand it but I know I am not alone.

People who have not been through this don’t understand. They do try to make you feel better but some comments should just be kept to yourself. ” I’m sorry for your loss”,  and “I’m praying for you” are wonderful.  Please don’t say, “you’ll move past this.” No this was a child created out of love whether by plan or not that will not have a chance to grow up for whatever reason but knowing my baby is in heaven with all the other babies lost gives me great comfort. I will heal but you never truly get over a loss. It gets a little easier as the years go on but you never get over it.

I am a very private person but so many people have come forward and shared their story and I want to help someone else as women have helped me get through this. I have a friend who was entering her second trimester and she was pregnant with twins. She lost them a few days before we found out. We have been grieving together and praying for each other. I just want you to know you are not alone. Cry, get angry, pray whatever you have to do but don’t hold it in. Hold on to your faith. Hold on to your loved ones. I am not sure if we will have any more children because I cannot go through this again but I love my girls and they do truly bring me great comfort.


Words no parent wants to hear

10 Aug

I am sitting in my car waiting to go through the afternoon carpool pick up. The line is more than a mile long and we are just starting to move. I hear my three year old say, “Mommy I have to go potty!” Oh no the dreaded words no parent wants to hear especially when you are stuck in a line or something you cannot get out of. All I could do was distract and pray. We picked up my daughter and made it home just in time.

Kids Today

2 Aug

My hubby was reading Ps. 127 to our 8 year old daughter, she asks him, “Can you pause it while I go potty?” he said, “Pause the Bible?” “Yeah, I’ll be right back.” 🙂

Our girls are so used to pausing TV to go get a snack or to use the bathroom that I guess she thought you could pause the Bible too.

Zhu Zhu Pets

8 Jul

We have now entered the world of  Zhu Zhu pets. My 8 year old and 4 year old are in love. They love animals but the fact they move, purr, etc is an added bonus. They are super cute!

American Girl Bistro

7 Jul

My oldest daughter loves the American Girl Magazine but was more interested in the animals than the dolls. However, I took my daughters along with a friend of mine and her daughters to the American Girl Bistro, and now they want one. It is cute. We did the tea time and craft for under $10 a person. The girls loved it.  We each got our own tea pot, sweets, finger sandwiches, fruit and muffins. We had a fun day and even my three year old had a blast. She did not want to give the loaner doll back. Maybe Santa will bring them one. I definitely recommend this for moms, grandmas and daughters to do together. It is really girly and a lot of warm memories in the making!

My Girls!

1 Jul

Sensitive Children

1 Jul

My favorite mommy blogger in the world is Ohmommy. She wrote a fantastic post on sensitive children and I have to share it. My oldest daughter is similar to her son Jay and we used to say she was a drama queen. She used to cry at every little thing. Throw tantrums like no one else and hide behind my legs and cry at parties.  As she has grown up, she does not cry as often. She has a lot of friends even though she is always labeled the quiet one. The thing I love about this post is she is not trying to break her son but help him to adjust. She is building character. Boys should be in touch with their feelings. I think our society is a little hesitant about that. It does not mean they should cry at every little thing or whine. My husband is a very passionate person but he does not always share his feelings or thoughts because teachers, family and friends shut him down when he would cry or share something. It is hard sometimes because I would love for him to share things with me. Each child is unique and quirky. I think we should embrace this instead of trying to fit each child into a mold. I know I have dealt with this with my own two daughters. Teachers pointing out all their quirks and flaws as if there is something wrong with them. My oldest daughter can be a drama queen but she can also be quiet and observant. She has been like this since she was a baby.  She is the kid that always friends the new kid or the kid no one wants to be around. She is compassionate, sweet and funny. She loves to read and make art. Every year I get the same thing in conferences. Pookie is a delightful child but she is too quiet. Of course, if she was talkative that would not be acceptable either. Peanut is polar opposite of Pookie except in large class settings. The entire school year Peanut was labeled as something was wrong with her. The teacher missed out on an entire year of getting to know peanut because at the end of the year Peanut showed her true self. She tells jokes, she is articulate, she is smart and funny. She is also very loving and yet she was labeled because she was SO shy. They did not take into account she had never been around a large group of kids for four hours without me before. She also was the youngest in her class. Oh and she was 3!

My friend’s son is also a wonderful, compassionate, smart, and funny kid. This teacher missed out on a opportunity to get to know him because he cried too much at first. She did not take into account that he  had never been away from mom before or maybe he had a little extra anxiety.

I am so tired of people putting our children into a box or mold or label because they are different. I worked with elementary children and preschoolers. Some had disabilities, some had autism and  some were just different but I LOVED all of them!! If we were all made the same how boring would this world be? God delights in our quirks and differences!