I am only writing about my story because I know I am not alone. So many friends and family have reached out, and shared their story with me.
Here’s my story: I had been really sick with two ear infections, vertigo, nausea and a cold. I was throwing up and bleeding for a month. I knew something was wrong. I found out I was pregnant. I had no insurance and my husband was out of work. This could not have come at a worse time. I was upset and in shock. This was not planned and so unexpected. I have two girls and I love kids. We want a whole house full but the timing was so off. I called my OB and they did some blood work. Everything appeared to be fine except my progestin levels were slightly lower then they would like. I started meds and I was scheduled for an ultra sound. I got the horrible news on Tuesday, November 9th that not only was I only measuring 6 weeks along when I should be 10 but there was no heart beat. I was beyond devastated. This means my body has been holding my little one and making me think all was okay. I was as sick as a dog yet my little one had already passed on. How cruel and to make matters worse I found I was pregnant yet my baby was already gone. This is something I don’t understand. I don’t understand how any of this could happen. I was full of guilt for being upset yet I knew I did nothing wrong. I do not smoke, drink and I eat fairly healthy.
I have so many questions. I cried all day after my surgery and I went into a depression. I have gone through all the grieving emotions. These emotions are all too familiar as I have been through them before when my dad passed away. I have my good days and I have my bad. I am trying to keep super busy and get back into my routine.
God is getting me through this and slowly healing my heart. I do have a support system. I have two beautiful girls, my hubby who has been amazing and grieving right along with me. Family members who are there for me to cry, get angry and pray with. Friends who are more like family then some of our own family. Bringing us groceries, sitting with me while I have to sign a death certificate and make arrangements on what to do with my little one. This was such a huge blow to us but I know I am not alone. I don’t understand it but I know I am not alone.
People who have not been through this don’t understand. They do try to make you feel better but some comments should just be kept to yourself. ” I’m sorry for your loss”, and “I’m praying for you” are wonderful. Please don’t say, “you’ll move past this.” No this was a child created out of love whether by plan or not that will not have a chance to grow up for whatever reason but knowing my baby is in heaven with all the other babies lost gives me great comfort. I will heal but you never truly get over a loss. It gets a little easier as the years go on but you never get over it.
I am a very private person but so many people have come forward and shared their story and I want to help someone else as women have helped me get through this. I have a friend who was entering her second trimester and she was pregnant with twins. She lost them a few days before we found out. We have been grieving together and praying for each other. I just want you to know you are not alone. Cry, get angry, pray whatever you have to do but don’t hold it in. Hold on to your faith. Hold on to your loved ones. I am not sure if we will have any more children because I cannot go through this again but I love my girls and they do truly bring me great comfort.